Dennis must take Holy Orders

My nephew has begun taking the Beano, a publication I though long gone. Happily it is just as much fun as I remember, with the likes of Minnie the Minx and the Bash Street kids making fools of authority figures like the local mayor with joyful abandon.

As a boy, I preferred to take the Dandy (which is also still on sale), finding Desperate Dan's adventures more exotic than Dennis the Menace. I wonder though whether children still thrill to the sight of a large cowboy eating giant pies?

The only thing I would say that has changed is the quality of drawings, the numbskulls, for example, are a shadow of their former selves, although Dennis seems to have greater care taken on it than times past.

Dennis has an added poignancy these days, one storyline involved the boy discovering password-protected computer files which proved his softy father was once, like he, a source of menace and anarchy.

As a bowl of pudding few through the air, there seemed a woebegone edge to Dennis' countenance, betraying the realisation that he, too, will grow out of his menacing ways and settle down to a sentient, middle-class existence.

If I was Dennis, though, I would not consider reproducing. The priesthood would be the safest bet.

Beards rule

As master of Sefton I have decreed that only people with beards shall be allowed to hold public office.

Any attempts to depose people (both men and women) with beards will be frowned upon, especially if anyone tries to get rid of Tony Robertson – the man who saved Maghull.

There is a woman with a bit of a moustache and a walking stick that I like the look of so I will make her Robertson's protector. So it is written, so shall it be.

Must we vote for chair sniffers?

As someone who often wrestles with thoughts of how to get rid of the political classes that are ruining our once great nation, I was encouraged by events in Australia, where they are picking off politicians one by one.

Latest to fall is Troy Buswell, who has been exposed as a secret chair sniffer.

If that is is enough to get rid of Bustwell, how many of our local worthies could be thrown out for similarly uncouth behaviour? I once saw a Lib Dem sniff a cardigan, surely that is enough.

Mind you, if the BNP man who called me yesterday to complain about lack of coverage in some newspaper called the Champion is to be believed, then half of our elected members are child molestors, with the other half crooks.

As it is polling day today, I shall put my cross against the name of the BNP representative - but only as long as he can assure me that he has never sniffed a chair or put his hands down the front of his trousers while surfing the internet.

An ode to Jim Sharpe

What thoughts I have of you tonight, Jim Sharpe, for
I walked down the sidestreets under the trees with a headache
self-conscious looking at the full moon.

In my hungry fatigue, and shopping for images, I went
into the neon fruit supermarket, dreaming of your enumerations!

What peaches and what penumbras! Whole families
shopping at night! Aisles full of husbands! Wives in the
avocados, babies in the tomatoes!

I heard you asking questions of each: Who killed the
pork chops? What price bananas? Are you my Angel?

I spoke too soon?

The price, as predicted, has moved up to 8/13 on the Tories to have the most seats at the next general election but I am feeling more nervous than my previous carefree post. Why? Because there is a growing body of opinion that Gordon Brown won't make it. Best of the bunch of soothsayers is this piece by Matthew Parris.

As far as the local elections go, Rosie Cooper looks like she will hang on by her whiskers and Debi Jones will take the new Sefton Central.

As for Southport, I recoil from predicting the outcome to what will be a close race possibly two years down the line. This website sees a win for Brenda Porter based purely on the redrawing of the electoral map, if Cameron's romping home that will give her a big bounce, too.

But enough of boring politics, how am I to tell my nephew Maramaduke that Smarteenies is never going to be on television again now that Mark Speight's been found dead?

Maybe the Turkish gentleman who keeps hacking the Champion's website can provide an answer?

Money where my mouth is

Does anyone read this blog? Of course not, why should you, but for the 3 to 4 people who look at it each day, I give this advice: get some money on the Tories to win the next election.

When things were bad, I got cash on at good prices. Why? Because I knew Gordon Brown was coming in and I knew women would never vote for him. He's been a disaster from day one, even worse than my expectations, I recklessly haven't laid off a single bet since he took office.

I really think a lot more trouble is going to hit him very soon as well.

I have just made a sizable bet for Cameron at 8/11 - the last bit of value I think we'll get. Unless David Cameron blows it with some sort of sex scandal, such as shacking up with his sister in law, then he's home and hosed with a majority of around 40.

Forget whether you want him in or not. Mogul has told you who will win, so you may as well make a small wager (yes, small, mr gambling lawsuit freak) and get yourself some beer money.

No end in sight

As someone who has done very well out of wars in the Middle East, I tend to turn a blind eye to reports of trouble there, but even I have to admit that things are going badly.

All the talk about weapons of mass destruction never fooled anyone, we went to war because we like war, and very entertaining it was too when there was still an Iraqi army fighting by Doonesbury rules and lots of laser-guided bombing footage on TV and old men hitting statues of Saddam with their slippers.

But now that all the glamour and excitement is over, I wonder if it's all been worth it. I have no care for the countless dead or the breakdown of 'society' but balk at the way business failed to take off there and the way untold billions have been squirreled away to persons other than myself.

My anarchist nephew Marmaduke even claims that the whole operation was probably corrupt but certainly hapless from the start. There was just no plan, no thought, only lust for battle and greed for Persian riches. He may have a point!

I'm beginning to think this George Bush character is not so sound after all. Perhaps Hilary Obamboo will do better, who knows.

I think what we need do do now is to leave quietly, in the way one does when one's had too much Champagne at a party. We've created hell on earth for these people, staying will just deepen the catastrophe.