Lib Dems wager

After studying an analysis of positive and negative press stories, Lord Moghul has bet on the Lib Dems to come second in the Crewe and Nantwich by-election at very generous 12-1 odds. Don't blame me if it goes wrong, but it's a safer bet than Chelsea to win the Euro Cup.

Dennis must take Holy Orders

My nephew has begun taking the Beano, a publication I thought long gone. Happily it is just as much fun as I remember, with the likes of Minnie the Minx and the Bash Street kids making fools of authority figures like the local mayor with joyful abandon.

As a boy, I preferred to take the Dandy (which is also still on sale), finding Desperate Dan's adventures more exotic than Dennis the Menace. I wonder though whether children still thrill to the sight of a large cowboy eating giant pies?

The only thing I would say that has changed is the quality of drawings, the Numbskulls, for example, are a shadow of their former selves, although Dennis seems to have greater care taken on it than times past.

Dennis has an added poignancy these days, one storyline involved the boy discovering password-protected computer files which proved his softy father was once, like he, a source of menace and anarchy.

As a bowl of pudding few through the air, there seemed a woebegone edge to Dennis' countenance, betraying the realisation that he, too, will grow out of his menacing ways and settle down to a sentient, middle-class existence.

If I was Dennis, though, I would not consider reproducing. The priesthood would be the safest bet.

Beards rule

As master of Sefton I have decreed that only people with beards shall be allowed to hold public office.

Any attempts to depose people (both men and women) with beards will be frowned upon, especially if anyone tries to get rid of Tony Robertson – the man who saved Maghull.

Must we vote for chair sniffers?

As someone who often wrestles with thoughts of how to get rid of the political classes that are ruining our once great nation, I was encouraged by events in Australia, where they are picking off politicians one by one.

Latest to fall is Troy Buswell, who has been exposed as a secret chair sniffer.

If that is is enough to get rid of Bustwell, how many of our local worthies could be thrown out for similarly uncouth behaviour? I once saw a Lib Dem sniff a cardigan, surely that is enough.

Mind you, if the BNP man who called me yesterday to complain about lack of coverage in some newspaper called the Champion is to be believed, then half of our elected members are child molestors, with the other half crooks.

As it is polling day today, I shall put my cross against the name of the BNP representative - but only as long as he can assure me that he has never sniffed a chair or put his hands down the front of his trousers while surfing the internet.